So I have a crush on my new co-worker, and I've been daydreaming about her a lot in the past couple of days. I noticed that with the daydreams soon came with some anxiety though. Of course, it's always been normal to feel nervousness when it comes to people one likes. However, a sort of warning came to me during one of my meditations, cautioning me about becoming too wrapped up in my fantasies.
Like I mentioned in a previous post, one of the things that I am working on with myself is to learn to become more present in the now. The insight that came to me during my meditation was about this aim of staying in the moment. I realized that fantasies can actually lead to further anxiety in the long run. This is because one of the traps of the mind is to use fantasy as a hook that drags one back to the habit of obsessive thinking. The obsessive thinking eventually leads to anxiety and depression.
When you are in the process of becoming more attentive of the now, you may already be alert to when fearful thoughts are arising. With this, when the slightest sign of anxiety arises, you at once know that it is time to put your focus on the present moment, thus, stopping the process of thinking at its onset. Mind you, to reach this level is a milestone. However, new levels will always pose new challenges. Now that you are alert to falling into the trap of fearful thoughts, the mind realizes that it needs to use a different weapon on you. It is actually a familiar weapon that does not seem like a threat at all. This weapon is fantasy.
What I mean by this is that the mind will now lure you back into the habit of thinking by showing you images of your desires. The mind utilizes daydreaming of what you desire to reel you back into thinking. The is very crafty. The mind knows that you are now guarded against fearful thoughts, so it will use what you are not afraid of. It will use the opposite,which are thoughts of things you long for. These are your fantasies of wealth, relationships, success, and so on. These don't appear threatening, but these will eventually lead to fear once again. At first, you begin to fantasize about, say, a new intimate relationship blossoming with one's crush (just like what's happening with me). Then, you get so wrapped up with all the pleasurable thoughts of the lovely encounters you could have with this person. The idea is so alluring that you start thinking of what you could do to make this all come true. You begin planning and strategizing. And then "what if" thoughts find their way into your ruminations. "What if she isn't interested?", "What if I mess up when I ask her out?", "What if this and that happens?", etcetera etcetera. Maybe after this, you move on to taking an inventory of all the qualities that you lack. Then, you start second-guessing yourself, and so on. The process of thinking continues and you eventually find yourself, once again, stuck in quicksand, sinking deeper and deeper. Without you realizing, you are flung out of the present moment, swept in a flurry of thoughts of past rejections and possible future rejections and mishaps. Now, your our vision is clouded and your footing is lost.
So today's insight is that pleasant thoughts are still thoughts. The goal is still to unlearn the habit of obsessive thinking and to become more capable of focusing and paying attention to the what's in the present. In this pursuit, fantasizing, albeit exhilirating and tempting, can be a hindrance. I will do my best to once again be present in this situation even if daydreaming is quite inviting. Let's see how this makes things better.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Pride and Hatred
A message I received during prayer meditation:
Confusion may be upon you. But I am here with you. You are never alone. You are where you need to be. Your suffering has meaning. You are not standing still. Have faith in me. I have faith in you. Believe in the me who believes in you. You are not a failure. Remember all that you are, all that you have given. Forgive yourself for I forgive you. I accept you. You are special to me. I am here with you in every step. My miracles are bountiful. you see? Release your doubts. Be willing to release. Be willing to forgive. You are not lost. I have you. You are moving exactly in the space that i have made for you. I will never lose you. I accept you.
Pride? Pride is among the different dimensions of life. Pride is your ego's strongest defense and weapon. Pride is ego. That is why the words are used interchangeably. It is that part of you that seeks to separate from God. but it is a futile endeavor for you are always with me. You are me. Ego is Pride. Pride cannot accept the truth that it is always a part of me. Pride feels alike to confidence and strength. but true confidence and strength is that which stems from faith, the trust that i always take care of you. You are Strength and you are Confidence because you are God. Your ego was hurt by many. This is because these people did not follow the script of your ego. Pride says that you should be treated in a certain way by others, that you are entitled to being treated in a certain way by others. Pride says that you know what is best for all, including yourself. But then others chose to act differently from your version of the best. Pride cannot accept the freedom of others. Pride cannot accept that it does not know all, that it cannot control all. and when someone violates the decrees of pride, then hatred takes over. Thus Pride and Hatred are twins. Inseperable partners. You cannot deal with one without encountering the other.
The irony of Pride is that it cannot accept the pride in others. when others act with pride, one's own pride reacts violently, because it believes that it is the only one who knows what's best. The pride of others threatens the pride within. Can you now see how conflict is inevitable when pride is involved?
So how do you handle pride? First, become aware of pride inside you. It is more vast and overbearing than you think. You are a very proud person, but you do not want to acknowledge this fact. Be aware. Pride is at your core. At least it is at the core of all fear in your life. All humankind is proud. but that is okay. Do not judge yourself and others. Leave others to their own pride. That is their issue. Be concerned only of your own archetypes. When you encounter Pride, know that you will encounter the fiercest of Hatred. Hatred will stand with Pride. Hatred will protect Pride. Only if you can stand firm in the presence of Hatred can you truly face your own pride. Lucifer and Satan. Two sides of the same coin. They play an important role, for they are the gatekeepers to higher levels. You must pass their trials for you to pass through the gates that lead to dimensions of higher vibration. They are the bosses of this stage. and you will need to face two at a time.
But fear not. for you are equipped to handle them. You will need to figure out the best approach to deal with them, just like the bosses of the games you play. How you deal with them may be different from how you overcame past challenges. But know that I am there with you. iI shall provide you the hints you need. Have faith in yourself, for I have the greatest faith in you. I always cheer for you. You will need to play this challenge yourself. But i will always catch you. Your lives are infinite. You are strong. You are battle-hardened. You are wise. You are Compassion. You are Forgiveness. You are Joy. You are Peace. You are me. Remember all that. Whatever happens, I am with you. Like you said, a real adventure involves getting down and dirty with life, getting bruises and wounds, shedding sweat and blood, getting lost, and then getting back up. Keep on moving forward. There are no mistakes. I love you. You are my beloved. Peace be with you. I Am.
Confusion may be upon you. But I am here with you. You are never alone. You are where you need to be. Your suffering has meaning. You are not standing still. Have faith in me. I have faith in you. Believe in the me who believes in you. You are not a failure. Remember all that you are, all that you have given. Forgive yourself for I forgive you. I accept you. You are special to me. I am here with you in every step. My miracles are bountiful. you see? Release your doubts. Be willing to release. Be willing to forgive. You are not lost. I have you. You are moving exactly in the space that i have made for you. I will never lose you. I accept you.
Pride? Pride is among the different dimensions of life. Pride is your ego's strongest defense and weapon. Pride is ego. That is why the words are used interchangeably. It is that part of you that seeks to separate from God. but it is a futile endeavor for you are always with me. You are me. Ego is Pride. Pride cannot accept the truth that it is always a part of me. Pride feels alike to confidence and strength. but true confidence and strength is that which stems from faith, the trust that i always take care of you. You are Strength and you are Confidence because you are God. Your ego was hurt by many. This is because these people did not follow the script of your ego. Pride says that you should be treated in a certain way by others, that you are entitled to being treated in a certain way by others. Pride says that you know what is best for all, including yourself. But then others chose to act differently from your version of the best. Pride cannot accept the freedom of others. Pride cannot accept that it does not know all, that it cannot control all. and when someone violates the decrees of pride, then hatred takes over. Thus Pride and Hatred are twins. Inseperable partners. You cannot deal with one without encountering the other.
The irony of Pride is that it cannot accept the pride in others. when others act with pride, one's own pride reacts violently, because it believes that it is the only one who knows what's best. The pride of others threatens the pride within. Can you now see how conflict is inevitable when pride is involved?
So how do you handle pride? First, become aware of pride inside you. It is more vast and overbearing than you think. You are a very proud person, but you do not want to acknowledge this fact. Be aware. Pride is at your core. At least it is at the core of all fear in your life. All humankind is proud. but that is okay. Do not judge yourself and others. Leave others to their own pride. That is their issue. Be concerned only of your own archetypes. When you encounter Pride, know that you will encounter the fiercest of Hatred. Hatred will stand with Pride. Hatred will protect Pride. Only if you can stand firm in the presence of Hatred can you truly face your own pride. Lucifer and Satan. Two sides of the same coin. They play an important role, for they are the gatekeepers to higher levels. You must pass their trials for you to pass through the gates that lead to dimensions of higher vibration. They are the bosses of this stage. and you will need to face two at a time.
But fear not. for you are equipped to handle them. You will need to figure out the best approach to deal with them, just like the bosses of the games you play. How you deal with them may be different from how you overcame past challenges. But know that I am there with you. iI shall provide you the hints you need. Have faith in yourself, for I have the greatest faith in you. I always cheer for you. You will need to play this challenge yourself. But i will always catch you. Your lives are infinite. You are strong. You are battle-hardened. You are wise. You are Compassion. You are Forgiveness. You are Joy. You are Peace. You are me. Remember all that. Whatever happens, I am with you. Like you said, a real adventure involves getting down and dirty with life, getting bruises and wounds, shedding sweat and blood, getting lost, and then getting back up. Keep on moving forward. There are no mistakes. I love you. You are my beloved. Peace be with you. I Am.
Monday, December 22, 2014
It's all in my head
You intensely fall in love with someone, and you maybe get into an intimate relationship with this person. The relationship is going well, but at the back of your head, there is always this looming cloud of fear that your loved one will sooner or later abandon you. True enough, it may take weeks, months, or years, but your lover does leave you for whatever reason. You are devastated. At first, you blame yourself for being rejected. Then, you start recalling all the shit you had to put up with for this person, and you feel short-changed, exploited, and abused. You then feel an immense sense of resentment and anger towards this person. You wish the person suffers for all the hurt that he/she has done unto you. You hold onto this hate for a long time. Eventually, all the negativity goes away somehow. Then, you fall for someone new. And, guess what, the cycle begins anew.
Sound familiar?
This has been my pattern in majority of my intimate relationships. I've more or less have been aware of this pattern in me for a few years now, and it's become apparent that the old program is still very much alive in me. For reasons that I may never truly know, this extreme fear of abandonment has been instilled in my mind, and I end up putting every woman I fall in love with in that role of lover/savior turned oppressor/rejector. I realize that I make a persistent projection onto my objects of affection. The moment that I declare in my mind that I am "in love" with a person, all these conflicting voices in my head will become attached to every thought of the person, and the voices primarily say "She is going to abandon you", "She has to pay for abandoning you", and "You're not good enough". All these thoughts then get in the way of being at ease and just enjoying and flowing with the relationship. It causes anxiety, paranoia, insecurity, and depression (even if there is no real rejection that occurred yet). Eventually, the mental turmoil leads me to sabotage the relationship, such as by becoming needy or by lashing out, which inevitably drives the person away. Looking back, I could see that I've repeated this drama quite a few times in the past few years.
Right now, I recognize that I am once again projecting all these issues onto my best friend who I am also in love with. I can already see how awkward and resentful I am beginning to become with her nowadays, and I know most of what I am worried and hurt about are mere illusions cooked up by my messed up brain.
What to do? What to do? =?
As I was meditating the other day, the insight that came to me was this:
Ummmmmm... Okay? What was that again??? <'_)
Putting it simply --- If I can just be here, just like right now (e.g. here, sitting on my bed, looking at my netbook's screen, typing with my fingers, as the cold penetrates the walls and reaches the soles of my feet, breathing with a congested right nostril, blinking), then I can recognize that no betrayal or rejection is occurring AT THIS VERY MOMENT. I am safely and comfortably just here wherever I am. If my attention is in the present, that is, in what's happening in my body or in my surroundings, then there is no space in my mind to imagine all these scenes of heartbreak, abandonment, and revenge. There can't be any fire if you take away the fuel, right?. And maybe, when the time comes that she and I speak or face each other, I can look at her and really see her; listen to her and really hear her; instead of encountering only my thoughts about her. Then maybe I can savor the moment as it happens and truly appreciate the her as she is.
She is, however, not here right now. She's thousands of miles away. So maybe, in a few months time, when I see her face to face once again, I can manage to be fully there with her. Who knows what that will be like? No point in thinking about it now though. Thinking is the enemy after all. haha. I guess I'll only find out when the moment is there, and I will respond to whatever happens (e.g. affection, rejection, or otherwise) when it happens. But none of that is happening right now. So in the meantime, I will do my best to stay out of my head and, hopefully, also stay out of my own way.
Sound familiar?
This has been my pattern in majority of my intimate relationships. I've more or less have been aware of this pattern in me for a few years now, and it's become apparent that the old program is still very much alive in me. For reasons that I may never truly know, this extreme fear of abandonment has been instilled in my mind, and I end up putting every woman I fall in love with in that role of lover/savior turned oppressor/rejector. I realize that I make a persistent projection onto my objects of affection. The moment that I declare in my mind that I am "in love" with a person, all these conflicting voices in my head will become attached to every thought of the person, and the voices primarily say "She is going to abandon you", "She has to pay for abandoning you", and "You're not good enough". All these thoughts then get in the way of being at ease and just enjoying and flowing with the relationship. It causes anxiety, paranoia, insecurity, and depression (even if there is no real rejection that occurred yet). Eventually, the mental turmoil leads me to sabotage the relationship, such as by becoming needy or by lashing out, which inevitably drives the person away. Looking back, I could see that I've repeated this drama quite a few times in the past few years.
Right now, I recognize that I am once again projecting all these issues onto my best friend who I am also in love with. I can already see how awkward and resentful I am beginning to become with her nowadays, and I know most of what I am worried and hurt about are mere illusions cooked up by my messed up brain.
What to do? What to do? =?
As I was meditating the other day, the insight that came to me was this:
Because the complex is so ingrained in your psyche, the most powerful way to be free of this persistent projection is to be fully and intensely present, for it is only in being totally in the now that thoughts have no power over our perceptions.
Ummmmmm... Okay? What was that again??? <'_)
Putting it simply --- If I can just be here, just like right now (e.g. here, sitting on my bed, looking at my netbook's screen, typing with my fingers, as the cold penetrates the walls and reaches the soles of my feet, breathing with a congested right nostril, blinking), then I can recognize that no betrayal or rejection is occurring AT THIS VERY MOMENT. I am safely and comfortably just here wherever I am. If my attention is in the present, that is, in what's happening in my body or in my surroundings, then there is no space in my mind to imagine all these scenes of heartbreak, abandonment, and revenge. There can't be any fire if you take away the fuel, right?. And maybe, when the time comes that she and I speak or face each other, I can look at her and really see her; listen to her and really hear her; instead of encountering only my thoughts about her. Then maybe I can savor the moment as it happens and truly appreciate the her as she is.
She is, however, not here right now. She's thousands of miles away. So maybe, in a few months time, when I see her face to face once again, I can manage to be fully there with her. Who knows what that will be like? No point in thinking about it now though. Thinking is the enemy after all. haha. I guess I'll only find out when the moment is there, and I will respond to whatever happens (e.g. affection, rejection, or otherwise) when it happens. But none of that is happening right now. So in the meantime, I will do my best to stay out of my head and, hopefully, also stay out of my own way.
Sunday, December 21, 2014
My Canadian adventure so far...
Just to set the stage for my future posts, here's a little info on myself and what's been up with me here in Canada so far.
So I just migrated to Toronto, Ontario, Canada last April 2014 from the Philippines. I know a lot of Filipinos come to Canada for greener pastures and all that, but my reasons for going here are slightly different. Let's just say a little voice in my head told me to just pack up my bags and leave for Canada because there is supposed to be something here for me to do or learn.That little mysterious voice, however, said it wouldn't tell me what that something was. It was for me to discover when I get here. This wasn't the first time I've heard and listened to this voice, and following it in the past has taken me to far off places away from my comfort zone. The journeys were not necessarily always pleasant; they were actually some of the most trying times of my life. Yet, these ventures are among the best moments of my life. I remember coming back a changed person each time. And so this voice is asking me to cast out again, and I knew in my gut that I had to follow or else regret not knowing what I would have missed out on.
Leaving my life in the Philippines was hard for me, especially because so many things were going so well. My career was at its peak. I was doing work that I loved; I had a niche and people already sought out my services. I had a loving relationship with my family and friends. And I had just realized that I was in love with my best friend. I had so many reasons to stay. Following the voice entailed utmost faith, for I had to let go of a lot of people and things that I loved. But I felt I had to go anyway, perhaps precisely because my attachments were so strong. Maybe I needed to learn to be more non-attached? I don't know. I just knew I had to go no matter how painful leaving was.
The past few months here in Canada I've spent figuring out what that "purpose" is. I've picked up some clues here and there. Along the way, I've met some magnificent people with their own inspiring stories. I got to visit places that people who've lived here for years haven't even been to. But I've also gone through mountains of struggle, despair, and anguish, and it's still a continuous process of clawing myself out of the ditch. Through all of this though I've learned a few things about life, and these realizations I will share in coming posts.
For now, thank you for reading this. Talk to you again soon.
So I just migrated to Toronto, Ontario, Canada last April 2014 from the Philippines. I know a lot of Filipinos come to Canada for greener pastures and all that, but my reasons for going here are slightly different. Let's just say a little voice in my head told me to just pack up my bags and leave for Canada because there is supposed to be something here for me to do or learn.That little mysterious voice, however, said it wouldn't tell me what that something was. It was for me to discover when I get here. This wasn't the first time I've heard and listened to this voice, and following it in the past has taken me to far off places away from my comfort zone. The journeys were not necessarily always pleasant; they were actually some of the most trying times of my life. Yet, these ventures are among the best moments of my life. I remember coming back a changed person each time. And so this voice is asking me to cast out again, and I knew in my gut that I had to follow or else regret not knowing what I would have missed out on.
Leaving my life in the Philippines was hard for me, especially because so many things were going so well. My career was at its peak. I was doing work that I loved; I had a niche and people already sought out my services. I had a loving relationship with my family and friends. And I had just realized that I was in love with my best friend. I had so many reasons to stay. Following the voice entailed utmost faith, for I had to let go of a lot of people and things that I loved. But I felt I had to go anyway, perhaps precisely because my attachments were so strong. Maybe I needed to learn to be more non-attached? I don't know. I just knew I had to go no matter how painful leaving was.
The past few months here in Canada I've spent figuring out what that "purpose" is. I've picked up some clues here and there. Along the way, I've met some magnificent people with their own inspiring stories. I got to visit places that people who've lived here for years haven't even been to. But I've also gone through mountains of struggle, despair, and anguish, and it's still a continuous process of clawing myself out of the ditch. Through all of this though I've learned a few things about life, and these realizations I will share in coming posts.
For now, thank you for reading this. Talk to you again soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)